Let me know how you did it.

D,

When did it occur to you that you had enough? When did you know that you had enough of me and my craziness?

How were you able to decide to stop and totally give up on trying to reach and help me.. and then move on?

Let me know. Or you can hold my hand just like old times.. tell me to have faith and everything will be okay. Let me know so I can give up on this guy like the way you gave up on me then.

I know it's probably enough... but my heart just can't get it straight.

G

A 'sorry' I never been able to say...

I can't imagine that only now did I realize that you were my "Boston" song. You were. You are. It doesn't really matter now. But it's you.

Why didn't you push harder than I did pushing you away?

"Regret is for the weak." That's how a friend puts it. Then I am admitting how weak I was then and even now. You were the pavement I was chasing on unconsciously. But you knew... you knew I still needed to build myself up. You were scared but somehow, you hanged on to my most twisted nights, even shared a rainy and drunken night on a friend's balcony. Didn't you know I was scared of how much love you can give?

The chocolate. The early morning wake up call. The look you gave when I shared that song with someone else. The blue jacket you placed on me when I was dead drunk on that hellish night. The earnest message about how much you miss and love my laugh.

You've seen me crazy as hell. You've seen me cry a dozen times and more. We both shared moments of heartbreaks and joy of friendships. I've seen you walked out on me, and especially the speed of running after me.

"In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationship we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make." You are one of my failures and yet one of my few pride friendships. But the deepest part of my heart wishes our friendship never ended. Yes, there isn't a formal take on how we lost touch, yet we did. You moved on. I was still stuck for a few more years.

If you ever find yourself back to where we were back then... I am promising that I'll be listening closely. I don't even need whatever love could blossom, if there could have been back then. I just want the chance to let you know how it was special for me that you were there for me. You knew most of my imperfections. It kinda sucked though that you gave up... I made you give up on trying. The blame is all on me. Your time as part of my life came and went.

Sorry that I failed to listen to your heart and take in your actions... Sorry that I made you look like a fool for a thousand times... Sorry that I was too frightened to let you in and hurt you. I am sorry that you never knew I was crying for you that one night you held my hand because you thought I was still crying for him. I am deeply sorry I wasn't able to give myself a chance with you... and you with me. Sorry D. :(

Oh well... You're happy now. I can't be too sorry for that. :)

Chances

There was a time in my life that I was always too frightened to give myself a chance. What I never realized then is that I'm killing people's chances with me as well. It was never a win-win attitude that I have been showing off for years. I can always blame it to the bad experiences I went through. I can always pinpoint that those heartbreaks and headaches and tears made me what I was back then.

Knowing that a friend is going through the same thing hits me really hard how much disappointment and frustrations I gave people during those times. Them people who thought of helping me and reaching out to me in any ways possible. I just shut them off completely. And now I am going through what my friends went through. And it's depressing. For my friend.. and for myself. I feel bad that I can't get through him.

I just don't want my friend to miss out on a lot of things. One thing is for sure.. I am not my past. but I hope that the person I, somehow, want to be part of my future wouldn't go through what I did.

I am blessed.

Now that my last payment for the loan I borrowed from my Uncle, all I would think of buying are the things I want like dSLR and a MacBook. But I know those can wait. I can wait. I think, or at least I'll try. Lately I am also wanting an iPhone or a BlackBerry, someone should better hold my ATM and lock it up somewhere I would never find until the 12th or 19th of December or by January.

I just finished reading Mitch Albom's "Have A Little Faith." The clear message of the book for me, as of the moment, is that we all want to stay connected, feel belonged to something, like a community. May it be work.. a social network.. years of random routines with people.. just the same old thing from the past.. to know, to assure myself that I still am connected to something. I belong still somehow.

I'm away, and it makes it harder. How to stay connected? I depend on Facebook, YM and MSN, Multiply(a daily scan), and Friendster(come on, we all started there! FYI, i check it WHENEVER I can remember)... How else can I stay connected? To my home, to my bedroom... I always face the same side I used to do in my own bed. I clutter my desk just like I used to back in Pinas. To my family, short and simple conversations about money and whatnots at home. To my friends, funny and nonsense talks that never fails to put a smile on my face. To the little things that only Pinas can give me, take whatever alternative/proxy I can have, how much expensive it'll be.

Moving on to the future... I decided to step back from my wants and give in to other's needs. Mama wants to fix the house in QC... done. Papa have told me from the start his plans on our house in Pque... done. Kuya's wish on 3-5 more sets of PCs and PSP Go... done. Those little things that Mia and Pao are wishing... done. All these on the first quarter of next year. I need not to worry cause I still have 9months to get my wants and needs. When you give, you take. ;-)

And through these, I can affirm myself that I stay connected in the best way that I can. See? I am blessed. And that's how I see myself staying connected to God. Thank you Lord.

Clouds over a new dress

Between the bed and the sheets, we both know it's so easy to be around no one and make each other feel that everything is perfectly good.

If I have to deal my insecurities, I have to depend on how people deal with their own insecurities as well. We are a mess, sometimes it's a beauty, sometimes we just realize it's the kind that keep us down.

Are we right where we want to be? Probably not. Because i don't like how the smell of the old bun stalling on my desk is.

This just feels like I have a new dress on... and it's about to rain. real. hard.